Fear. It comes in so many forms and varying degrees. Everyone has known it in their life, no one is exempt from it. Fear can be based on a solid set of facts or it can be completely irrational. It can last a fleeting moment or it can last for decades.
I have wondered why we experience fear. Surely it has to do with our fight or flight response. We have developed fear as a response to things that could harm us or kill us.
So then if the fear is of only emotional hurt, is it still fear? Or is it worry? What’s the difference? Emotional pain can be worse than physical pain sometimes. We must be programmed to avoid that too.
Whatever it may be called, I am in it. Right now. DEEEEEEEP in it. It’s that gut-wrenching, breath-sucking, sleep-stealing, heart-hurting type of fear. The kind that takes most of your concentration and a lot of your energy. And it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
I worry about the coming days, weeks, months and what they will bring. I worry about the safety of the person in this world that I love deeper than I can possibly ever describe. I worry about my children. I worry about my heart.
He tells me not to, that he will be fine. I tell him that I worry because I love him. I tell him that to not worry would be a much more tragic outcome. I wish it was a switch that I could turn off. I wish that the logical part of my brain could have a nice sit-down chat with the emotional part of my brain and say “look, everything is going to be alright. Quit worrying already, it doesn’t change anything anyway”. It would be even better if I listened to my own advice.
Instead I fear the unknown and I worry about what it may hold. I don’t give the fears any real words or scenarios because that would be even more disasterous. Instead I let this vague, sick feeling live inside me. It will probably be there until he comes home. I will need to learn to coexist with it better because it’s not leaving.